In truth, it hurts. You may be wondering what I am talking about, but it’s an irrational thought that makes little logic, yet, still, it is how I feel. For now. Will it be forever? No. I doubt it. I am an individual that adapts to life and the surroundings in which I find myself in. Whether it is something that seeps into my soul, my thoughts, or just an instantaneous reaction that allows for me to look a fool, if only momentarily; it usually lasts a lifetime. Each step forward I have taken has been a struggle. I have focused much of my thoughts inward on how to be a better person, release my guarded walls so that they are down, fleeting to the foothills to watch as I somber in overreaction to the smallest things, yet find the things that would matter to most no big deal. My often, but not always, warped sense of self grandeur has caused more destruction than it has created of any good. Yet, it still sits there, glaring me in the face. As much as I try to ignore, it takes its toll for a bit on my shoulder, taxing me of my more proper thoughts. I dig deep to tell it to go away, usually trying to figure out why in the first place I feel such awkwardness about things that most would shrug off.
I still don’t know. I sometimes weep, not too hard, but still the tears are there, and fight what can feel like for my life to battle an invisible enemy. One that has been with me for many years, poking and prodding me and eventually stripping away the things I love, pushing them outward so far that they are gone. It is a struggle. One that I have known about for years, and one that I know I will have to probably always actively engage if I am to ever win and be at peace with myself. It is not easy seeing what you know you don’t like about others in yourself and at the same time feeling confident enough within that you are good enough for the wonderful things in life.
Yeah, it is a constant fight. I am sure everyone has something that they can relate to in regards to this. Maybe that is life. Maybe it is what it’s all about. The constant inner struggles to be better, to do better, to show yourself and the world that you can do what you set your mind to do and that you’re not all the horrible things you see yourself as. Or, perhaps it’s just me. Maybe. It’s hard to say when my “vision” gets tilted from that of reality. A reality that says you can do this, but you shouldn’t do that, and if you do that then you are less than those that did not. Where does this mindset come from? It isn’t logical. Why should it matter one way or another, unless interrupting the rights of others to live happily. In most cases that is not the case, though.
What is it that causes these reactions? What is it inside myself that makes me feel like I have a place in the universe that allows for me to even care? I am determined to figure it out, though it may be too late by the time I do. At least I can take an honest look at myself, straight faced in the mirror, and know what I do like about myself and what I need to continue to work on. View myself open-minded and see what is not what I thought it was and work, tirelessly, to change it to what I believe I should be more like. I try to follow the better example than I am today, which will hopefully, eventually, help me achieve the goal of who I think I should be.
It seems that the road is never ending, as in life, we can always be better than we were the day before. I will get there…I have to get there…if I ever want to be completely happy.
My husband could have written this! Great words…can I give you some advice? Please step outside of yourself and try to focus on others. What I have learned about insecurity is that it is selfish and self-seeking. I am not saying you are selfish…insecurity is. When an insecure person steps into a room they are not thinking about who they can bless in that room, they are thinking about Themselves. How they look, how they are received and how they feel inside. Turn it all to others and make this a new habit and see if it helps.
Blessing!
….turn all that energy to others….is what I meant to write.